Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Chariots of Fire aka my grocery store power scooter

I haven't updated this in awhile due to the fact that everything has been pretty quiet here. Chemo has, for the most part, been uneventful and other than the good report had us in good shape overall...until this weekend. I had started to get what felt like a leg cramp in my right calf on Friday. it continued to get worse through the weekend and by Tuesday, when I went to chemo, I could hardly walk. They sent me for an ultrasound and confirmed what they thought. I had a blood-clot in the veins of my calf. It doesn't affect treatment at all and it is something they see in chemo treatment (probably from me sitting on my ass continuously for 2 months...) although it isn't typical. Here's where it gets good, as treatment they put you on blood thinners naturally. What they don't tell you is that these blood thinners have to be injected daily, in your stomach, and your the one that has to do it. I had to go pick up my shots today and also show them that I could self inject (have I mentioned that I'm petrified of needles?). When one of the nurses comes in and tapes smelling salts to the wall, just in case you pass out, you can see why there might be an issue with you self injecting a needle daily. Other than the typical pain of a charlie horse and having difficulty walking, you'll be glad to know that there isn't much else to worry about. I'll have to be on blood thinners for about 6 months, but that's it. It doesn't affect chemo or anything else, although I really hope this leg cramp/walking is a bitch thing subsides sooner than later...

With me being a half glass full kind of guy, there are some bright sides to this. Susan asked me if I could pick up a few things at the grocery store after my doctor's appointment. Knowing there's no way I could walk around Publix, I had a eureka type moment. With cancer and blood clots in my leg, I finally had every reason in the world to use one of those power scooter baskets they have. If you don't have Publix where you are at, think of it as a nicer Tom Thumb. So as you can expect, their scooters are nicer (i really cant judge the other stores, but I imagine Kroger's are in line with their stores and Publix is a much nicer store...) This thing was awesome!!!!! Much faster than I imagined, an amazing turning radius, & every time I backed up it let out a beeping signal so that anyone in the store could be warned. I also imagined this song playing as people looked at me on my scooter

So off I go through the store at what imagine is roughly somewhere between 5-7 mph. This where it starts getting tricky. The scooter is wider than a cart and so if people don't move over then you cant get through. further proving that old people are fucking oblivious to everything or generally act like that because they're old and they can. I believe that's also why they shit their pants, but that is a post for another time. Anyway, I'm rolling down the frozen foods aisle and Granny McSlowasHell has decided to leave her cart in the middle of the aisle and walk back down and look at everything again. I assume that this means she wants to double check the fiber content of a few items so she can possibly shit on a more regular basis and thus be lighter and hopefully faster, but alas I'm now stuck not being able to get around her and she's oblivious to everything but the processed food in front of her. So I did what any normal (read: only a few) person would do. I rammed her cart and gently pushed it out of my way. I didn't send it flying or anything, but the lady near me did look at me like I was the asshole...

There were a few other old people that decided to play the unobservant, old fart card, but luckily they underestimated my scooter's ability to bust a u turn in the middle of the aisle. However, when you cannot bust a u turn due to the constraints of your surroundings, you can easily put it in reverse and notify the entire fucking store that you are, indeed, moving backwards and possibly dangerous. Seriously, this thing had the same horn they put on locomotives.

The other thing about rolling through a store in a scooter that's awesome is that you get to have Alex help you to your car with the groceries. The other thing I like about Publix is that they hire mentally challenged people to work at their stores. They always seem to really enjoy their jobs and it was clear Alex did. He also enjoyed asking me how I was doing, so much so, that he did it 3 times. It was funny to me and I have no clue why, but its most likely because I'm a horrible person. I will tell you this, there are two things that have changed now having ridden a power scooter shopping cart. You can bet that I'm going to Wal Mart and Kroger tomorrow to test theirs against Publix. (and possibly because Susan thought all of this was funny, so another blog post about it couldn't hurt...) and that as long as I live, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Alex hopping on my scooter and dragging the empty cart behind him as he rode back into the store.

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