Sunday, November 20, 2011

Hospitals are fun, and other falacies... Top Ten #1-5

Alright here it is, the last five from our top ten moments at the hospital this week. Looking back on them I wish I'd felt good enough to live blog them because some would have been sheer gold, but no use worrying about it now. I'll try to recount them back to you as close to how I remembered them. If you haven't read the first post of #10-6 you can go here:

5. Down 1 more wire & the constant beeping.
As of now I'm down to just one iv wire. That has been a big improvement over last week when I had breathing tubes, an iv with drugs as well as a sensor that monitored my breathing and pulse via my fingers. The breathing tubes sucked because they were cumbersome, attached to my ribcage, & hard to walk around with (especially if you had to try and rush to the bathroom quickly). The drugs, of course, I didn't mind. They knocked you out quickly and efficiently. You weren't loopy, out of it, or anything. Pain just ceased to exist and you fell asleep. The sensor, however, was the bane of my existence. If your pulse went above 120 or breathing went below 89 (it somehow measured how much oxygen my body used through my finger...) then it would start beeping loudly. It did this A LOT!!!!!! The entire issue with how this works is what I dont understand. When you've had surgery on your lungs there are 3 things that are known. a)you can't move your arms very well b)you have limited breathing capabilities c)you are in pain quite frequently. With those things known, why would you design a sensor that limits your ability to push the button that gives you pain medication. You had to reach over and push a button on its panel to restart it and then you had to get your pulse and breathing to appropriate levels before it would dispense medication. I can't tell you how many nights I was peacefully asleep, but didn't breathe properly at some point so it woke me up beeeping. Of course I jumped up trying to shut it off, which caused immediate pain, yet in the dark, I couldnt get the buttons pushed to make it all stop. once you got it done, you'd end up lying in the bed, shrt of breath, in pain... even though you'd just been peacefully asleep. I HATED thhis machine. like hated it this much:

4. My room door will not shut all the way on its own. You have to pull it all the way until you hear a click. Besides my nurses, no one understands this. It isn't the worst thing that could happen, but inevitably old people wander the halls. One thing I've learned this week about old people in hospitals is that in general they have a fucking staring problem...

3. What would happen if this thing had wheels?

This is apparently an alternative to having a bedpan and actually making it into the bathroom. I also assume that if you are claustrophobi anddon't enjoy going #2 in small spaces such as hospital bathrooms, then this gives you the freedom to stink up the entire room you're staying in and require someone to clean up after you as well. My first thought when I saw this was, What if it had wheels? Don't think that I wouldn't have went out into the hallwaysand wheeled up next to people who thought I probably had nothing on under my gown. I may or may not have also grunted and sounded like one should when using thechair properly. It might be doubtful that I'd actually ever do that, but what I wouldn't give to see some old dude rolling down the hallway without a care.

2. One of the first nights in the hospital, I was able to get up and help myself to the bathroom, but it took me quite awhile to gather up all my wires, collectors, sensors, etc. It hadn't really been an issue so far, but as they pump more and more fluids into your IV, you end up getting out of bed 2 or 3 times a night to pee. It was on one of those occasions that I had to go to the bathroom that I didn't quite fully wake up from my dream first. For whatever reason, I was dreaming that I was Indiana Jones and the Nazi's had sequestered me in the hospital for something. I know I was watching tv (in the dream) and they were torturing people on it. It was at that point that reality and dreaming collided to make me one hilarious person and probably scare the shit out of my mom who had been staying in the hospital with me. I remember her asking me what was going on and my reply was that I needed to get these things off of me because I was about to pee my pants... I was pulling at the leads, wires, and tubes and luckily, I didn't rip any of them out. Mom jumped up and helped me to get free and make it to the bathroom before I peed my pants. No one wants to pee their pants as an adult, especially Indiana Jones...

1.My lasting memory from this whole ordeal may not seem like much to you guys, but to Susan and I, it was phenomenal. There was an older lady in the room next to us and her husband was staying with her. At some point he desperately needed to do one of two things: 1) shit 2) track down her doctor/nurse and ask for something. I don't know which it was, but it looked like the first. Dude was power-walking the shit out of it and all the while he had his cheeks clenched together like he had the secret to cold-fusion hidden up in there. Ultimately it wouldn't have mattered because luckily he was wearing brown polyester slacks...

No comments:

Post a Comment